Friday, February 25, 2011

My birthday present to you.

Here are a couple of fun videos from 2007.
The first one is page one of Deathbreed.

Next we have a live reading of the famous shit scene. 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 3

There is just too much awful in this book for me to read it all, so for the rest of this Tomoview, I will just be picking the funniest chapter names, and sharing this with you. I hope you fucksocks appreciate what I do for you.

Chapter 7

Take A Deep Brain Breath


Bella threw all her dirties on her bed.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Shit happened. Even to BMWs.

That's some deep shit, right there. I am shocked by the profoundness of that statement.

He called me a 'fucktard' about getting the address wrong.

I always thought the term was fucktart.

"Chill, Bells. Take a brain breath."

You can just write your own airhead joke for this one.

"Spare some softener?" ask the biker.

We may have found the second line actually written by Snooki.

Even tough guys like Downy.

I prefer Snuggle. That little bear is fucking adorable. 

here he was rhapsodizing about philosophy.

I wonder how many wars have been fought over fabric softener preference.

"I wish I had a fabric softener for my life."

I'm thinking maybe a shot of bleach would be a better choice.

So he'd noticed Bella's boobs after all.

WOOOHOOO! For a moment there I was a little worried!

Despite being 21, Bella had never done her own laundry.


I think I need to go take a long brain shit before I can read any more. Of course right after I say that, I see the title of chapter 13


It'd been a long week of car explosions, restaurant fires, a firecracker Dumpster blaze.

Not to mention the Canadian guy. They had to use the jaws of life to pry him and that moose apart.   

Very hungry. Frankie's stomach growled.

The writing is just so vivid.

"Another shark sighting today on the Jersey Shore,"

Oh fucking hell. I skipped the chapter where Gia rescued a beached fucking sand shark, and now they are calling her the Shark Whisperer. Maybe I can get Meteornotes to review that chapter.

I'm not going to type all the painful dialogue for this part. So, Gia, gets on the news after rescuing the shark. They ask here if she knew how big the shark was, and she tells a skinny dipping story. This is where the Penises being bigger underwater comes from.

His dick sprang to life in his jeans.

and starting singing show tunes.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 3

Curious, I got up--pants around my ankles

Okay, who replaced my copy of Deathbreed with Ron Dickie's teenage diary???

Or chasing the customer down the street with his N word beater.

Did I mention the main characters in this book are rascist scumbags?

I barely made it back to the bathroom in time before a hot fudge Hiroshima fell out of my ass.

Look, I love a good poop joke as much or maybe more than anyone, but that's just fucking uncalled for.

After a few more moments of cramping, cursing, and wishing I was dead, the attack seemed to be over.

That pretty much sums up how I feel during every Tomoview.

Now came the tricky part--wiping my crack clean.

Might I suggest using a shotgun. Wait, that would be better for brushing your teeth.

It was like cleaning peanut butter out of shag carpet.

I want you all to just take a moment and let that image sink in nice and deep, because you are never getting it out of your head. You're welcome!

I had more shit crumbs decorating my ass than trophies at a hunting lodge.

I do like the expression "SHIT CRUMBS!" I think it could catch on.

The toilet seat was covered with poop splatters and broken off dingleberries.

Really? No seriously, BROKEN OFF DINGLEBERRIES! That taint funny.

I grabbed another wad of tissue and swept it clean for the next guy.

Hmmmm, maybe this character isn't all bad. I mean a courtesy flush will cleanse a lot of sins.

Maybe I had shit out the best parts of myself years ago. Maybe I had shit out my soul...

Soul Shitter would be a fucking epic name for a metal band.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 2 or #2

"Oh, my ass!" I cried, curling my hands into fists and pounding futilely at my thighs, at the walls, at anything to make the pain go away. The pain in my fists paled in comparison to what was coming out of my cornhole, but it helped divert my attention, if only a little.

With that, I welcome you to my Tomoview of what is quite possibly, the two worst pages in the history of the written word.

I give you THE SHIT SCENE by The Visionary Overlord.

I gagged on the stench of my aborted anal love children and hit the air freshener nozzle -- hard.

Aborted Anal Love Children would be a great band name, or a great name for Dead Kennedys B side collection.

I was dying inside.

I know the feeling.

Deep-fried anal calamari

Shithead, everybody knows if you want the full flavor experience from anal calamari, you sautee it, not deep fry.

I was a prisoner of my own ass.

I'm caught in crap /  I can't walk out / Because I shit too much baby.

like Louis Armstrong was using my asshole for a trumpet.

Feel free to make up your own joke for that line. I'm not going to even honor that with a joke.

I felt a moment's relief, but knew it was a lie..  That wasn't the way my shit worked. It was trying to trick me so I would shit my pants later.

Forget shitting your pants, I want to trick The Visionary Overlord in to marinating the third rail.

a fight to the death between body, bowels, and brain

This would have been the fucking perfect blurb for this book.

There were literally times when I wanted to die on the toilet, to get this shit over with -- permanently.

Hey, it worked for the King. So I guess it should work for THE VISIONARY OVERLORD!!!
My own body lived to betray me -- first by sprouting caveman like hair and boils up and down my back, then by turning my ass inside out on a nearly-daily basis.

Could be worse, your body could have given you carpet dick.

and couldn't go anywhere if there was even a hint of a "brown-out" brewing in my backdoor.

I so want to open up my own brewery. I will call it Backdoor Brewing, and my signature beer will be Brown-Out Stout. I'm betting I can retire off just the money I will make from shipments to Canada.

This ends page one of THE SHIT SCENE.  Joing us tomorrow, for part two THE WIPING!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 2

Chapter Two - Make Me Beg

Bella had a fantasy of herself as a kick-ass dominatrix trainer, humiliating her clients into the workout of their lives.

I wish that was the actual plot for the "book". 

Bender didn't try anything when he tucked her in, which Bella found endearing and insulting.

I can understand why Bella would be insulted. I mean, being told you aren't good enough to be date-raped can be devastating.

Unlike Gia, who would fuck on a dare, Bella moved more slowly.

This Gia reminds me of someone...

that would have made Eli Manning sob.

I don't think it's really that hard to make Sheli Manning sob.

She'd be like a kid in a pickle store.


And by the way, selling fried clams for a horny sleazebag sounds kind of fun,

Well it definitely sounds more fun than reading this fucking drivel.

I don't need luck, I've got skills!

I'VE GOT THE VOCATIONAL SKILLS!!! Fuck! I already used that joke, didn't I?

Chapter Three - Hurricane Gia

"And great boobs!" she added.

If she weren't an optimist, she might feel a little discouraged.

There is a fine line between optimist and idiot. It's almost as fine as the line between whore and slut.

Go ahead, call me a fat whore, she though, but for God's sake don't litter!

You know that old commercial with the old Indian shedding a single tear? That's how I look right now.

At the sound of a flushing toilet, Gia called out, "Hello? I'm here!"

At The Sound Of A Flushing Toilet is a little long, but I still think it would be a great album title.

Tanning is my second-favorite thing to do with my clothes off.

If you're curious, frying bacon is my second-favorite thing to do with my clothes off.

Gia did a victory lap dance on the arm of the sofa.

That's sofa king hot! Repeat after me: Gia is sofa king we todd ed!

Gia stopped humping the sofa.

A single boy who she'd already seen naked wanted her at his party.

Honestly ladies, can you ask for anything more?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

A few things that don't suck.

To make up for the evil  I have done, by unleashing both Snooki, and The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror, on you this week. I thought I would do a quick post, and share few things that don't suck.

First off - The winner of the  Tomoview Lifetime Achievement Award For Mullet Fiction.
    Now available for just 99 cents!!!
    Business Up Front, Party In The Back - Kindle
    Business Up Front, Party In The Back - Nook 

    Keeping with the mullet theme, one of my most anticipated books of 2011 was officially announced this week. 

    The Damned Highway by Brian Keene and Nick Mamatas.

    I love drugs and tentacles, and I can't wait to get my hands on this.

    Well we did mullets, monsters, and mind altering substances, so now for something completely different.

    Princess Alethea’s Fairy Tale Theatre

    A new weekly podcast, from the beautiful and talented Princess Alethea Kontis.


    Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 1


    The book I am about to Tomoview is extremely offensive. It's filled with hate, anger, misogyny, and a side order of irritable bowel syndrome. Read at your own risk!

    "Sherman, set the wayback machine to..."

    As promised, today I will start the Tomoview Flashback Series. This is where I will go back and revisit some classic books that I previously Tomoviewed. What better place to start than with Deathbreed, by Todd "The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror" Tjersland.

    Oh, if you are stupid enough to be curious what Deathbreed is about, just think about the current zombie mashup craze, but instead of Pride and Prejudice, someone decided to throw zombies into The Turner Diaries. To give you a clue just how awesome this book is, all these quotes are from the first page.

    "These fucking no-good retards, I thought."

    Well I don't know about the rest of you, but that first line has me hooked! I can't wait to see what happens next!!

    "You gotta be shitting me!"

    I wouldn't shit you, Todd. You are my favorite turd!

    "I was, of course, referring to the 300 pound tub of lard in the corner."

    Thanks for clarifying!!

    ":the she-beast with the the slack jaw, thickset lips, and beady eyes scratching lottery tickets over the ice cream case".

    No really, thanks for clarifying!!!

    "We called her Hideous Kinky, Fat Momma Stink-Tits, or more often than not, simply the Retard Lady."

    This line would normally make me weep for humanity, but if I'm going to keep my promise to weep not for the vampire, I must also refrain from weeping for humanity.

    "Why build these shitheads up when reality was setup to knock'em down?"

    You shut your whore mouth! The Stokers are a topic for another blog.

    I think I'll just skip the section about this lady coming in everyday to spend her disabilty check on lottery tickets and junkfood. I guess it could start a discussion about how people deal with their lot in life. Do they just sit around and bitch, and slog through the same old shit routine everyday, or do they rise above and try to make more out of their life. But I'm neither drunk or stoned, so that's not going to happen, and this is not a novel about social issues. It's just an excuse for some asshat who got jipped in the penis department by whatever higher power is in charge of handing out peckers, toinsult and belittle anyone and everyone he can.

    "It got to the point that I dreaded seeing her, like some bitch I'd knocked up and couldn't get rid of!"

    Does Hallmark have a line of Valentines Day cards for bitches you knocked up but couldn't get rid of? If they don't, they need to unfuck that asap!

    Did I mention all these quotes are from the first page?

    Wednesday, February 2, 2011

    Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 1

    A SHORE THING a "novel" By Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

    Chapter One

    This is the first clue that this novel was ghost written. There is no fucking way in hell Snooki would or could number chapters.

    Karma's A Bitch, Bitch

    O M G! This is going to fucking hurt.

    Life was hard. But a pouf? That should be easy.

    As easy as a do-it-yourself home circumcision. Which is funny, because a do it yourself home circumcision is number 6 on the list of ten things I would rather do than read this book.

    Giovanni "Gia" Spumanti was a hair-raising pro.

    I am tingling with anticipation.

    She's been banging out poufs since age eleven, or as soon as her fingers were long enough to hold a bottle of Deluxe Aqua Net.

    mmmm product placement

    Although she'd loved to wear an actual crown or a rhinestone tiara whenever she left the house, it just wasn't practical.

    I'm thinking maybe one of those invisible fence shock collars would be more fun and practical.

    Tonight, humidity was a bitch.

    Wait, I thought karma was a bitch??? I'm so fucking confused.

    Gia brushed it out to start over--again-- feeling discouraged.

    *bangs head on desk until I have a sexy scar--to match Ron Dickie's. Who is always a bitch.

    and she'd be searching among them for her near future fling(s).

    Ohhhh! No one told me this was a time travel story.

    But her bump fell to one side like a deflated tire.

    The writing is so vivid. As a man with pretty hair, I can totally feel Gia's pain.

    "Waa!" she whined at her reflection, but just for a second.

    Well, the first line of dialogue was fucking riveting.

    From the outside, the two-story, two-bedroom bungalow looked like an aging Atlantic City hooker. For a month, this hooker would be home.

    I would so read a book about something having to live for a month inside an aging Atlantic City hooker.

    She dubbed it the official Make Out Zone.

    I don't know much about zoning laws, but I don't think that's legal.

    She could already picture herself and a yummy juicehead rolling around on top of it.

    What in the blue fuck is a yummy juicehead?

    Her cousin Isabella "Bella," "Bells," and "Hell's Bells" Rizzoli

    Holy Multiple Nickname Disorder, Batman!

    "What the hell?" she said, clearly annoyed.

    Thanks for clarifying!

    Gia said, "The club will not run out of tequila before I get my hair right. So shut the fuck up."

    I'm gonna go out on a limb and bet the tequila was served in a tall glass of shut the fuck up!

    "I can practically see what you had for lunch," said Gia.

    That's so hot!

    Bella was a nine. Gia was maybe a seven ... point nine.

    . fuck . you .

    On her petite frame, one extra pound made her muffin top. Two pounds? It was a dough explosion.

    Top Of The Muffin To You!

    Wow! Gia's longest relationship lasted only fours hours. I hope Ice Bat is almost done with his guide to internet dating. Gia needs you Ice Bat. You are her only hope.

    Bobby the land mine blew up all over the place.


    "Excuse me. I don't mean to impose, but I am the Ocean. "

    "I got the vocational skills!"

    Sorry, got sidetracked for a minute

    She preferred her men big, ripped. tan, and gorilla.

    I'm a little sad that entering "Big Ripped Tan Gorilla" did not provide the traumatic images I expected.

    Dancing had to be Gia's second favorite way to work up a sweat.

    Dancing is Snooki's fourth favorite way to work up a sweat. First is remembering to breath, second is spelling, and third is basic arithmetic.

    Tonight was all about the three D's: Drinking, Dancing, and Duh.

    This might be the only line in the book actually penned by Snooki.


    So many jokes, so little time. So since a picture is worth a 1000 words


    And I'm not a whore. I'm a slut. There's a difference.

    I will leave you all to ponder the differences between whores and sluts, while I decide if I am brave/stupid enough to read chapter 2.