There is just too much awful in this book for me to read it all, so for the rest of this Tomoview, I will just be picking the funniest chapter names, and sharing this with you. I hope you fucksocks appreciate what I do for you.
Take A Deep Brain Breath
TOUCH A DARK WOLF!! TOUCH IT!!
Bella threw all her dirties on her bed.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Shit happened. Even to BMWs.
That's some deep shit, right there. I am shocked by the profoundness of that statement.
He called me a 'fucktard' about getting the address wrong.
I always thought the term was fucktart.
"Chill, Bells. Take a brain breath."
You can just write your own airhead joke for this one.
"Spare some softener?" ask the biker.
We may have found the second line actually written by Snooki.
Even tough guys like Downy.
I prefer Snuggle. That little bear is fucking adorable.
here he was rhapsodizing about philosophy.
I wonder how many wars have been fought over fabric softener preference.
"I wish I had a fabric softener for my life."
I'm thinking maybe a shot of bleach would be a better choice.
So he'd noticed Bella's boobs after all.
WOOOHOOO! For a moment there I was a little worried!
Despite being 21, Bella had never done her own laundry.
I think I need to go take a long brain shit before I can read any more. Of course right after I say that, I see the title of chapter 13
PENISES LOOK BIGGER UNDERWATER!!!
It'd been a long week of car explosions, restaurant fires, a firecracker Dumpster blaze.
Not to mention the Canadian guy. They had to use the jaws of life to pry him and that moose apart.
Very hungry. Frankie's stomach growled.
The writing is just so vivid.
"Another shark sighting today on the Jersey Shore,"
Oh fucking hell. I skipped the chapter where Gia rescued a beached fucking sand shark, and now they are calling her the Shark Whisperer. Maybe I can get Meteornotes to review that chapter.
I'm not going to type all the painful dialogue for this part. So, Gia, gets on the news after rescuing the shark. They ask here if she knew how big the shark was, and she tells a skinny dipping story. This is where the Penises being bigger underwater comes from.
His dick sprang to life in his jeans.
"Oh, my ass!" I cried, curling my hands into fists and pounding futilely at my thighs, at the walls, at anything to make the pain go away. The pain in my fists paled in comparison to what was coming out of my cornhole, but it helped divert my attention, if only a little.
With that, I welcome you to my Tomoview of what is quite possibly, the two worst pages in the history of the written word.
I give you THE SHIT SCENE by The Visionary Overlord.
I gagged on the stench of my aborted anal love children and hit the air freshener nozzle -- hard.
Aborted Anal Love Children would be a great band name, or a great name for Dead Kennedys B side collection.
I was dying inside.
I know the feeling.
Deep-fried anal calamari
Shithead, everybody knows if you want the full flavor experience from anal calamari, you sautee it, not deep fry.
I was a prisoner of my own ass.
I'm caught in crap / I can't walk out / Because I shit too much baby.
like Louis Armstrong was using my asshole for a trumpet.
Feel free to make up your own joke for that line. I'm not going to even honor that with a joke.
I felt a moment's relief, but knew it was a lie.. That wasn't the way my shit worked. It was trying to trick me so I would shit my pants later.
Forget shitting your pants, I want to trick The Visionary Overlord in to marinating the third rail.
a fight to the death between body, bowels, and brain
This would have been the fucking perfect blurb for this book.
There were literally times when I wanted to die on the toilet, to get this shit over with -- permanently.
Hey, it worked for the King. So I guess it should work for THE VISIONARY OVERLORD!!! My own body lived to betray me -- first by sprouting caveman like hair and boils up and down my back, then by turning my ass inside out on a nearly-daily basis.
Could be worse, your body could have given you carpet dick.
and couldn't go anywhere if there was even a hint of a "brown-out" brewing in my backdoor.
I so want to open up my own brewery. I will call it Backdoor Brewing, and my signature beer will be Brown-Out Stout. I'm betting I can retire off just the money I will make from shipments to Canada.
This ends page one of THE SHIT SCENE. Joing us tomorrow, for part two THE WIPING!
To make up for the evil I have done, by unleashing both Snooki, and The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror, on you this week. I thought I would do a quick post, and share few things that don't suck.
First off - The winner of the Tomoview Lifetime Achievement Award For Mullet Fiction.
The book I am about to Tomoview is extremely offensive. It's filled with hate, anger, misogyny, and a side order of irritable bowel syndrome. Read at your own risk!
"Sherman, set the wayback machine to..."
As promised, today I will start the Tomoview Flashback Series. This is where I will go back and revisit some classic books that I previously Tomoviewed. What better place to start than with Deathbreed, by Todd "The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror" Tjersland.
Oh, if you are stupid enough to be curious what Deathbreed is about, just think about the current zombie mashup craze, but instead of Pride and Prejudice, someone decided to throw zombies into The Turner Diaries. To give you a clue just how awesome this book is, all these quotes are from the first page.
Well I don't know about the rest of you, but that first line has me hooked! I can't wait to see what happens next!!
"You gotta be shitting me!"
I wouldn't shit you, Todd. You are my favorite turd!
"I was, of course, referring to the 300 pound tub of lard in the corner."
Thanks for clarifying!!
":the she-beast with the the slack jaw, thickset lips, and beady eyes scratching lottery tickets over the ice cream case".
No really, thanks for clarifying!!!
"We called her Hideous Kinky, Fat Momma Stink-Tits, or more often than not, simply the Retard Lady."
This line would normally make me weep for humanity, but if I'm going to keep my promise to weep not for the vampire, I must also refrain from weeping for humanity.
"Why build these shitheads up when reality was setup to knock'em down?"
You shut your whore mouth! The Stokers are a topic for another blog.
I think I'll just skip the section about this lady coming in everyday to spend her disabilty check on lottery tickets and junkfood. I guess it could start a discussion about how people deal with their lot in life. Do they just sit around and bitch, and slog through the same old shit routine everyday, or do they rise above and try to make more out of their life. But I'm neither drunk or stoned, so that's not going to happen, and this is not a novel about social issues. It's just an excuse for some asshat who got jipped in the penis department by whatever higher power is in charge of handing out peckers, toinsult and belittle anyone and everyone he can.
"It got to the point that I dreaded seeing her, like some bitch I'd knocked up and couldn't get rid of!"
Does Hallmark have a line of Valentines Day cards for bitches you knocked up but couldn't get rid of? If they don't, they need to unfuck that asap!
Did I mention all these quotes are from the first page?