Thursday, January 27, 2011

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo 3D

"The monster would have guessed how they would react and anticipated Powell's retribution."

So this Bigfoot is either one smart motherfucker or totally psychic. How in the Hades is a Bigfoot going to know how a bunched of armed jackasses are going to react?

The next time someone dies, we have to make sure it does too.

Well that's a pretty fatalistic view to take. I know war is Hades and all, but isn't possible that you might be able to kill Bigfoot without him killing another member of your group? This is why you never take Negative Ned along when you hunt Bigfoot.

Becca felt stupid.

I know how Becca feels.

She shoved her chair away from the desk and closed her laptop.

bitch must have some long fucking arms

I wish I still had the BULLSHIT FLAG smiley from the old board. So in the 20 years since our hero's family was killed by Bigfoot, no one else has seen or confirmed the monster's existence. No hunters have found it, no young couples bumping rump in the woods have been killed by it... you get the picture. So I don't know, maybe it ought to take the group out looking for Bigfoot a little more than 5 fucking minutes or so to be attacked. *facepalm*

Wow. So this little fuckstain of a town in the middle of nowhere issues fully automatic AR 15s to its police force. That's fuckawesome!! It's also fuckawesome that these Bigfeet can be sprayed with a stream of full auto fire and not even flinch!!!

So after using AR 15s and other high-powered rifles to blow bigfoot's fucking brains out, they all stand around and unload their sidearms into the fallen bigfoot's corpse. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL POINTLESS MUTILATION!!!

Were it not for the STINK thanks to the hot sun

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

and slammed the door after she got in

Thanks for clarifying that, asshat!

These things were more human-like


Large sagging breasts hung underneath the fur of its chest.

I'm confused. Does it have large saggy fur covered breasts, or does it have large saggy breasts hanging underneath its fur?

child-like, beast-like



Jeff, the hero of the story, gets ripped limb from limb on page 32 of 73.

I can't wait to see which of the underdeveloped remaining characters steps up to take the lead role. I'm betting on the brutish deputy that thinks he's not good enough for the waitress at the local diner!


One of my favorite things to find in any book I'm reviewing is the incredible name-changing character! This shows the writer's attention to their craft, and the excellent skill of their editor!!

Travis sat on the bank, snapping pictures of them with his camera.

Donald laughed and tucked the camera into the pocket of his shorts.


Oh please tell me you did not just the use the "Two Guys Checking the Power Station, Only to Find a Monster, and then Crash Their Truck Into the Power Station While Trying to Escape" gag.

as a scream left his mouth for the last time.

Do lots of scream migrate back to their mouth of origin? I picture a little triangle of screams way up in the sky returning home for winter.

I'm making the executive decision to just summarize the remaining story.

Everybody that we could even remotely care about dies. The only survivor is a deputy that is sent from a nearby town, but he's such a minor character that it doesn't even matter. The story just goes to shit once Jeff dies. For the record, no one even notices that he is dead. In an excellent epilogue, we find out the government covers the whole thing up and sends in a crack team to kill the remaining Bigfeets. I think you can guess what happens to them.

I give this book 34 heaping stinky piles of shit!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo Part Deux

A quick note for note new readers.

Yes, I know I probably should have explained all this yesterday. So here's the short version. I read horrible books, so you don't have to. While reading these horrible books, I take a line or two, and then share the thoughts that ran through my twisted little head while reading.

Comments are greatly appreciated. I especially like it when people offer their own thoughts, jokes, or comments on the lines I pick.

Got it?

Good. Lets jump back in.

"His backside erupted with pain as he hit the floor."

Backside Eruption would be a great band name, or an awesome new menu item at Taco Bell.

"The hand withdrew itself"

I would like to withdrew myself from reading anymore of this book.

"with each fear-induced bound"

Fear-induced bounding is usually caused by consuming the previously mentioned Backside Eruption. I was going to make another potty joke here, but I need to save all my potty jokes for Deathbreed. ;)

"The beauty of the town and the woods around it was almost surreal by the standards of modern America."

I have to wonder what the current standard for the surreal in modern American are. Is there a webpage for the Modern American Society Of Surreal Standards?

"Fred half-shouted"

Ecactly how in the hell does one half-shout? I'm sorry, how in the Hades does one half-shout. Since how in the Hades is used several times in the book. Has anyone here ever actually heard someone say How In The Hades? Maybe one of the 34 people that gave this book a 5 star review on Amazon would like to chime in.

"Even on a Saturday night there simply wasn't that many real drinkers in Babble Creek that came here to do it."

Even with my impressive sense of humor, there simply wasn't a joke I could think of, that was funnier than that sentence.

"Becca radioed Powell as she drove along the winding road of Faulk's Cove to let him know where she was headed."

I just want to clarify something here for new readers. I AM NOT A WRITER, and I have no desire to be one. I'm just a smart-ass, who loves to read. I'm also dyslexic, and yes, grammar did  touch me when I was a child. So if you call yourself a writer, and I can tell that your sentence sucks donkey ass, I have only one word for you, KNITTING!

"The night was silent except for the blaring of the truck's horn."

The sentence was actually pretty good except for the words.

"The truck belonged to a Mr. Jack Daily."

uh huh uh Jack Daily. Get it? Jack Daily!!!!

"Once giving it a sweep. he found nothing useful in room"

Once giving it a sweep, I found nothing useful in this book.

Awww! How sweet. The big dumb deputy thinks he isn't good enough for the waitress at the diner. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also, I'm now on page 18 of 73, and still no warring bigfeet!!!! This makes me a sad little monkey.

It seems I spoke to soon, the Bigfootsies have finally made an appearance. So I think I will stop for the day,  but I leave you with this awesome, and original line, to hold you over until next time. 

"Tom's headless corpse came flying at them from the trees as if in response to the question."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo

Bigfoot War by Eric S. Brown

“The stink was terrible.”

Not the smell, not the stench, not even the fucking aroma, THE STINK!!!!


Well now I guess we know what the S stands for.


I haven’t smelled stink like that since the hotel room party for my 39th birthday.

“as the younger boy knelt and poked with a stick at what looked to be a liver.”

You know, I’m usually in the camp that thinks any food is better when on a stick….

“Jeff grimaced.”

Grimace was always my favorite member of Ronald McDonald’s gang of loveable misfits. Fuck!! Now I want a McRib, ON A STICK!

“before this pointless mutilation.”

What in the blue fuck is pointless mutilation? Is that like unnecessary roughness? Also, what would be a classic example of pointed mutilation?

“Without him riding hard on his younger brother,”

Oh, so this book is set in West Virginia.

“as an animal-like roar shook the night.”

Well at least it wasn’t a building-like roar. Those are fucking terrifying.

“The loud thunderous impacts of the thing’s feet smashing into the ground at the end of each of its long strides shook the ground.”

Dear wannabe writers that may be reading this blog. If you have a sentence like this in your current WIP, please just give up now, and take up knitting, or some other hobby. I know you think sentences like this set the scene, or ramp up the tension. I’ve got news for you, they don’t. They just show that you don’t have a fucking clue about your craft.

“It was the last he ever heard of his father that night.”

I can’t even come up with a joke for this one. That sentence is wrong on so many levels, that I can’t even begin to mock it. So I challenge you the reader, to come up with your best response to that line.

Well fucksocks, that’s the end of the sample I downloaded.

What do you think? Do you want more?

That’s right, fucksocks. I’m back!

Early last year, I closed down the Tomoview message board, to take a much needed break, and deal with some personal issues. Those issues are pretty much behind me now, and I think it’s time back to get back to bringing teh lulz. Honestly, I just needed something else to make fun, besides Ron Dickie, and Brian Keene. So roughly once a month, I will be posting a new Tomoview. If you fucksocks recruit enough new people to read the blog, I might even go back and re-Tomoview some old classics. I’m thinking Deathbreed might be a fun one to revisit. ;-)

I’m not going to announce the first book yet, but I will give you a tease of the first line.


Stay tuned,