Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo Part Deux

A quick note for note new readers.

Yes, I know I probably should have explained all this yesterday. So here's the short version. I read horrible books, so you don't have to. While reading these horrible books, I take a line or two, and then share the thoughts that ran through my twisted little head while reading.

Comments are greatly appreciated. I especially like it when people offer their own thoughts, jokes, or comments on the lines I pick.

Got it?

Good. Lets jump back in.

"His backside erupted with pain as he hit the floor."

Backside Eruption would be a great band name, or an awesome new menu item at Taco Bell.

"The hand withdrew itself"

I would like to withdrew myself from reading anymore of this book.

"with each fear-induced bound"

Fear-induced bounding is usually caused by consuming the previously mentioned Backside Eruption. I was going to make another potty joke here, but I need to save all my potty jokes for Deathbreed. ;)

"The beauty of the town and the woods around it was almost surreal by the standards of modern America."

I have to wonder what the current standard for the surreal in modern American are. Is there a webpage for the Modern American Society Of Surreal Standards?

"Fred half-shouted"

Ecactly how in the hell does one half-shout? I'm sorry, how in the Hades does one half-shout. Since how in the Hades is used several times in the book. Has anyone here ever actually heard someone say How In The Hades? Maybe one of the 34 people that gave this book a 5 star review on Amazon would like to chime in.

"Even on a Saturday night there simply wasn't that many real drinkers in Babble Creek that came here to do it."

Even with my impressive sense of humor, there simply wasn't a joke I could think of, that was funnier than that sentence.

"Becca radioed Powell as she drove along the winding road of Faulk's Cove to let him know where she was headed."

I just want to clarify something here for new readers. I AM NOT A WRITER, and I have no desire to be one. I'm just a smart-ass, who loves to read. I'm also dyslexic, and yes, grammar did  touch me when I was a child. So if you call yourself a writer, and I can tell that your sentence sucks donkey ass, I have only one word for you, KNITTING!

"The night was silent except for the blaring of the truck's horn."

The sentence was actually pretty good except for the words.

"The truck belonged to a Mr. Jack Daily."

uh huh uh Jack Daily. Get it? Jack Daily!!!!

"Once giving it a sweep. he found nothing useful in room"

Once giving it a sweep, I found nothing useful in this book.

Awww! How sweet. The big dumb deputy thinks he isn't good enough for the waitress at the diner. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also, I'm now on page 18 of 73, and still no warring bigfeet!!!! This makes me a sad little monkey.

It seems I spoke to soon, the Bigfootsies have finally made an appearance. So I think I will stop for the day,  but I leave you with this awesome, and original line, to hold you over until next time. 

"Tom's headless corpse came flying at them from the trees as if in response to the question."

1 comment:

  1. I'm as giddy as a Dickie with his feet in a shopping bag in the bus station men's room.