Cooking with Tomo Lesson 2

We are going to spice things up today. I've invited a special secret guest chef to help me in the kitchen today.
I'm going to post two Tomoviews of the same story. Your job, is to figure out which one was written by me, and which one was written my special guest.

Dish Number 1


"Merry Christmas...You Fat Fuck!"   

I hate this story already and I haven't even read it.

"Dumping the last log in the fireplace, angrily, she wiped tangled hair from her face. In the background Bing Crosby sang about a White Christmas."

I see the indomitable Mr. Cook is treating us to a Tales From the Crypt rip off. I wish Joan Crawford would beat him with a wire hanger.

"She struck the match, threw the small flame on the gas soaked logs. A ‘whoomp', and the fire began to eat at the dead wood. Smoke roiled and wafted up and up and up..."

Whoomp. And there it is.

"The smoke collected against some unseen barrier, began to fill the room."

That unseen barrier being Cook's sucktasticness, and the amount of brain bleach necessary to cleanse the reader's brain, lodged up his...chimney.

"She chocked and backed away in confusion."

I'd back away in confusion too, if I "chocked." I'm not used to chocking, but it sounds painful and mark-leaving.

"Had he blocked the flue somehow?"

Ya think? Seriously, who gave Cook a typewriter? That person should be cunt-punched or taint-tasered, as appropriate.

"An empty bottle thunked into the fire, followed by his winter cap. It began to burn, filling the room with more acrid smoke."

I love the way cheap plastic booze bottles thunk in the morning.

"She hurried forward, frantically dug it from the hungry flames, opened it... smiled."

Free coupons for Wendys!!!

"Time to haul his dead ass out of the flue before the boy woke."

Best line in this story...because it's the last line and it means this waste of ink and paper is over.


Dish Number 2  

"Merry Christmas...You Fat Fuck!" 

Happy New Year...You Talentless Hack!

Dumping the last log in the fireplace, angrily, angrily, she wiped tangled hair from her face. In the background Bing Crosby sang about a White Christmas. 


I want to dump an angry log on this story.  

"She struck the match, threw the small flame on the gas soaked logs. A ‘whoomp', and the fire began to eat at the dead wood. Smoke roiled and wafted up and up and up..."

Silly asshat, no one uses gasoline to start a fire in a fireplace. You need proper kindling. When I want a fire, I just use one of the eleventy copies of Laughing Boys Shadow I got from Necon.


"The smoke collected against some unseen barrier, began to fill the room." 

This story makes me want to put a SEEN barrier in front of my garage door, and stomp the accelerator on my car. 

"She chocked and backed away in confusion." 

That word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Here, let me post the definition for you.
CHOCK FULL OF BAD WRITING


"Had he blocked the flue somehow?" 

The flew was blocked with his shattered dreams of being published by Leisure. 

"An empty bottle thunked into the fire, followed by his winter cap. It began to burn, filling the room with more acrid smoke." 

With a smile on my face, and a bottle in my hand, you'll find me in the chimney in the morning!

"She hurried forward, frantically dug it from the hungry flames, opened it... smiled."
 
Her eyes throbbed with intensity as she counted the singed bills within.

 "Time to haul his dead ass out of the flue before the boy woke."

Note to all wanna be writers out there. If the best you can come up with is a story about a dude getting stuck in a chimney on Christmas. Please, do us all a favor, and ask Santa for a lobotomy.
 

 

Cooking with Tomo Lesson 1

Lesson one will be how to properly season. If you are the type of douche rocket who puts Heniz 57 on a USDA prime filet mignon, this is the Tomoview for you.

For this lesson I have chosen the prose of Chef Nickolas Cook. Chef Cook is probably most infamous as the guy who jumped on the caboose of the zombie mashup train, with his skullfucking of the timeless classic Alice In Wonderland. In his spare time, he also encourages a bunch of idiots who can't write on the Shocklines writers forum, and he has a horror blog called Smell The Black Glove or something stupid like that.

This Tomoview is going to be slightly different. Instead of the usual line by line trashing, I'm just going to pick the best examples of horrible description, over seasoning, from some random stories from Chef Cook's collection Round Midnight.


http://www.amazon.com/Round-Midnight-Other-Stories-Souls/dp/1615721827/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1300977927&sr=8-2

"as Benny walked in the daylight imperfect lounge "

I put daylight imperfect right up with double rainbow, in the "WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?" category.

"the last half dozen years sitting between them for a few uncomfortable seconds like a grinning gargoyle upon the church of their friendship."

Like a smiling greeter upon the Walmart of fiction.

"liquor murky eyes, and leaned forward, his breath wafting drunken effusions"

Some of my dearest friends are drunks, and I have never seen any of them have liquor murky eyes. I'm  not even going to touch the wafting breath effusions.

"must have felt his friend's silent refusal to entangle himself in the intangible"

I wish I would listen to the little voice that tells me not to entangle myself with the illiterate.

"Lenny Brown could smell the cop's sweat, a stinking whiff of rage."

How exactly does one sweat rage?

"A numb tongue roved like a pale snail over fevered lips and his mouth was so dry it felt like the ass-end of a firecracker."

ummm uhhh ummmm uhhhh well I well.... I got nothing

"A slip of shadows in the far corner of the room shifted, as if a mammoth had moved"

SHADOWY NINJA MAMMOTH!!

"The dim yellow light above was throbbing down on him like a jaundiced judge."

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! HOW DOES A DIM LIGHT THROB?? I wish I could take you in front of Judge Wapner and sue you for crimes against literature!

"his fat belly moving ahead of him like a fleshy advance army"

What in the blue fuck is an advance army?

"Huizar turned his baleful glare from Jesus in time to see his horse stride into a steaming pile of fresh coyote droppings."

It would have been cooler if it was a pile of possessed coyote droppings.

"His sneer of derision was forced at best, and sat on his mouth like a lizard's dead skin."

I fucking hate when I have to force a sneer of derision.

"eyes bulging in irritation"

Can someone please tell me why people write shit like this? Has anyone ever had their eyes FUCKING bulge with any type of feeling?

"Juan snapped his horse to a halt and near fell from the saddle in his haste to vomit. Carlito turned away with a nauseous curse, staggered his bay into Jesus’ steed. The horses momentarily tangled, whinnied in panic, adding their high-pitched violence to the gut-wrenching scene. Hesitantly, Huizar followed Roberto as he dismounted and made his way to kneel at the abattoir ground."

DOUCHE CHILL!







"Several weeks ago he decided instead to begin looking in places that she hadn't been normally drawn to when she'd been with him before. But, in truth, if he were to search himself deep down, he would have to admit he had changed his way of looking for her simply because he ran out of hope."

Tomo questions if making you all laugh is really worth it.

I knew I shouldn't have put #4 up as a choice.

Choice #4 is from the story Come And Gone from the collection Blanket Of White by Amy Grech. I haven't had this little fun reading a short story collection since Love Street And Other Bleedings by Paul Dracon. This thing is such a steaming pile of crap, I'm not even going to provide a link. 

"Chris stepped out of the shower and savored the sumptuous sensation of plump water droplets careening down the length of his slender physique before toweling off."

Tomo sat silently staring at his screen, wishing this shitty sentece had more words that start with S.

"He used a damp towel to wipe it clean for a clear view of his impressive erection."

My, that is one swell boner. If I do say so myself.

"Chris wrapped his hand around his throbbing member and carressed himself until he released the warm, white white wish within."

Why does this sentence make me picture Elmer Fudd firing off a batch of knuckle children?

So it seems Chris's erections weren't all that impressive, because his girlfriend Amanada dumps him for finishing too quickly. It seems Amanda has found a new man that can go all night long. Of course this makes Chris feel inadequate, and in the most classic example of looking for love in all the wrong places I have ever seen. Chris contemplates fucking a hair dryer.

"His most recent endeavor involved and ordinary hair dryer, which he switched on the warm setting, opting to skip the highest temperature -- for fear it would cause serious damage -- and placed its nozzle strategically in front of his throbbing member with one hand while he stroked his shaft with the other. The constant rush of warm air coupled with whirring sound it made wasn't gratifying enough to bring him to orgasm, and his dick started to itch from the heat."


I have done some funky shit in my day, but I have never said to myself, self, I think I should blow dry my dick. I was going to consult and expert I know on the phenomenon known as "Carpet Dick" and ask if they had ever used a blow dryer for their manscaping, but I found some nice wet paint, and decided to watch that dry instead.


I really don't see why Amanada wanted to leave Chris. Well unless she didn't enjoy the chocolate and cumsies milshakes they used to whip up and smear all over each other.

Now we are going to play everyone's favorite game. What In The Blue Fuck Does This Sentence Mean???

so Chris grabs a steak knife, and we get this gem.

"Its surface was still slick with Amanda's blood from when he found a bottle of her clear nail polish in the back of the medicine cabinet and decided it should be preserved to honor her memory."

I'm going out on a limb, and guessing this is supposed to imply that Chris killed Amanda, and then used nail polish to preserve her blood on the knife. This MIGHT work if the "author" had left the whole paragraph about their final night together that ends with these lines.


"Amanda got up and left."
"Chris watched her go without saying a word."

For those curious how this stinker ends. Chris stabs his finger, sucks the blood for the cut, and fires off his warm white wish within thinking of Amanda.

Help me pick my next victim.

I have a few excellent candidates on deck, but I can't decide which one to Tomoview next. So, I'm going to let you decide. I will post a line from each of the four books, post a comment with the number of the one you most want to see Tomoviewed.

1. "Though winter's gone, but it's still cold as teats on a celibate outside." 

2.  "I had always longed for the aloof arrogance that seemed to come so naturally to most vampires. Where the hearts of others of my kind seemed to turn to stone as the centuries passed, mine only became tender, my antipathy for all that was vicious and cruel about the world nearly crushing my spirit." 

3. "Six years felt like an eternity as Benny walked in the daylight imperfect lounge to see Sanchez looking like and old, worn out dishrag of the man he used to know. This was a Sanchez that had seen too many years of disappointment, too little money, and to many sit-in-the-dark-alone drinks. This was a man who had mulled over the unkind years of disappointment like bitter dregs of the heady drink he'd once known."


4. "His most recent endeavor involved and ordinary hair dryer, which he switched on the warm setting, opting to skip the highest temperature -- for fear it would cause serious damage -- and placed its nozzle strategically in front of his throbbing member with one hand while he stroked his shaft with the other. The constant rush of warm air coupled with whirring sound it made wasn't gratifying enough to bring him to orgasm, and his dick started to itch from the heat."