Cooking with Tomo Lesson 3

Sorry for the delay in posting lesson 3. I've been busy with life, work, and trying to get 3 stars on every level of Angry Birds. For lesson three we will be doing Desserts. I usually start every Tomoview with the first line of the story/novel so for this lesson, we will be looking at the last line of every story. To keep with the theme I will be starting with the last story, and working backwards.


"He found the old clay roads, found the scent of his lost past, and, as he loped through the underbrush, his nose found that the forest remembered him as well."

I don't know if I've ever loped through anything before, but now I really want to. For the curious, the scent of my lost past, would probably be eau de bongwater.

"IT WAS THOSE DAMNED EVIL WHISPERING MOTHS!"

Could be worse, it could have been THOSE DAMN BLUE COLLAR TWEAKERS!

"Fucking primo, man,” Tony said. He stepped over the collapsed and writhing body and went to collect a cold one."
I'm going to need to collect several colds ones when I'm through with this shitapalooza.


"Behind the racing car the trees and bushes were slowly creeping together, pulling and twisting branches into a very familiar weave work of complicity, a complicity that was becoming easier with every passing yard."

uhhh ummm uhhh. Cunty, you got some splain to do.

"He tossed the gun into the dark beyond the gold, and hugged Mule close."

mmmm mule hugging

"The knife bit deeply, blood squirted and flowed, and as the pain dug into her, she began to hum a soft pink melody."

Can I borrow that knife?

"To break the contract means death for another Machen male."

Contract smontract. "We don't honor no stinking contracts." - Dorchester Publishing

"Clutching hands fell away from his eyes and he saw the true face of the teacher revealed. Then the art lesson began in earnest."

HAPPY TREES, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Carl looked at his friend. “What's wrong?” He asked, doom lacing his voice, even as he followed Richard's terror filled gaze up to the night sky, where the stars were winking out one by one, by one, by one...



"Sobbing and panting like a mindless animal being run to ground by hell hounds, Harley ran into the night, chasing Blind Boy's soft tune. The forest swallowed him as if he'd never been."

I haven't seen swallowing like that since Ron Dickie's last visit to the US.

"And the song rose and rose...'screeeeeeeeeee—screeeeeeeeeee—screeeeeeeeeee'."

I want to rub Chef Cook's nose in that sentence. BAD! BAD! BAD!

"It was feeding time."

It was time for someone to consider taking up knitting.

"She had a story to tell, the story of Quincy Manor, and she had flesh like parchment."

SO, I'm guessing this story was scribbled on her taint.

"Good girl. She must have torn out his gag, he thought with a smile as his head slumped against the door"
How in the blue fuck does someone think with a smile?

"Charlie peered into the darkness and screamed."

PEERED? Really? That was the best you could come up with? If you are going to used peered, why pussy out and then use screamed? Fucking amatuer hour shit.

"She raised her many arms, ready to embrace him."

I only need to raise one arm, and it won't be to embrace. It will be to BITCH SLAP!

"The city swallowed him as surely as it had the larvae."

YAY! More swallowing. It goes with the theme of SUCK that flows through all the stories.

"Time to haul his dead ass out of the flue before the boy woke."

*BANGS HEAD ON DESK*

"Huizar kicked his horse to a gallop again; the others followed."

will to live slowly fading....

"The sun slipped away and Caitlin dropped to the cooling sand and sobbed."

May hermit crabs infest your taint for inflicting this hemorroid on the as asshole of fiction

"What lurks within those swampy depths of the ruin of Quincy Manor?"

Here's a little something for sticking around this long.

SWAMP BOOBIES NSFW OBVIOUSLY!

"he glass seemed to smile back at him, as he laid its gentle silver kiss against his bare forearm."

Can I borrow that glass? PLEASE!!!!

"She hefted Boss’ shotgun and began to drag them down the moonlit path to the big house"

Reading this has been only slighty more enjoyable than a late night prison shower rape.

"The Preacher thing followed in his wake, still trying to learn how to walk like a human being."



"All the way home, every car horn, every city sound, every jack hammer rhythm, every laughing voice on the sidewalk, became Charlie talking, Charlie laughing, Charlie singing off-key, Charlie whispering to him about the lost years and the empty gray futility of his now life."

Bad sentence burn, Tomo!

Cooking with Tomo Lesson 2

We are going to spice things up today. I've invited a special secret guest chef to help me in the kitchen today.
I'm going to post two Tomoviews of the same story. Your job, is to figure out which one was written by me, and which one was written my special guest.

Dish Number 1


"Merry Christmas...You Fat Fuck!"   

I hate this story already and I haven't even read it.

"Dumping the last log in the fireplace, angrily, she wiped tangled hair from her face. In the background Bing Crosby sang about a White Christmas."

I see the indomitable Mr. Cook is treating us to a Tales From the Crypt rip off. I wish Joan Crawford would beat him with a wire hanger.

"She struck the match, threw the small flame on the gas soaked logs. A ‘whoomp', and the fire began to eat at the dead wood. Smoke roiled and wafted up and up and up..."

Whoomp. And there it is.

"The smoke collected against some unseen barrier, began to fill the room."

That unseen barrier being Cook's sucktasticness, and the amount of brain bleach necessary to cleanse the reader's brain, lodged up his...chimney.

"She chocked and backed away in confusion."

I'd back away in confusion too, if I "chocked." I'm not used to chocking, but it sounds painful and mark-leaving.

"Had he blocked the flue somehow?"

Ya think? Seriously, who gave Cook a typewriter? That person should be cunt-punched or taint-tasered, as appropriate.

"An empty bottle thunked into the fire, followed by his winter cap. It began to burn, filling the room with more acrid smoke."

I love the way cheap plastic booze bottles thunk in the morning.

"She hurried forward, frantically dug it from the hungry flames, opened it... smiled."

Free coupons for Wendys!!!

"Time to haul his dead ass out of the flue before the boy woke."

Best line in this story...because it's the last line and it means this waste of ink and paper is over.


Dish Number 2  

"Merry Christmas...You Fat Fuck!" 

Happy New Year...You Talentless Hack!

Dumping the last log in the fireplace, angrily, angrily, she wiped tangled hair from her face. In the background Bing Crosby sang about a White Christmas. 


I want to dump an angry log on this story.  

"She struck the match, threw the small flame on the gas soaked logs. A ‘whoomp', and the fire began to eat at the dead wood. Smoke roiled and wafted up and up and up..."

Silly asshat, no one uses gasoline to start a fire in a fireplace. You need proper kindling. When I want a fire, I just use one of the eleventy copies of Laughing Boys Shadow I got from Necon.


"The smoke collected against some unseen barrier, began to fill the room." 

This story makes me want to put a SEEN barrier in front of my garage door, and stomp the accelerator on my car. 

"She chocked and backed away in confusion." 

That word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Here, let me post the definition for you.
CHOCK FULL OF BAD WRITING


"Had he blocked the flue somehow?" 

The flew was blocked with his shattered dreams of being published by Leisure. 

"An empty bottle thunked into the fire, followed by his winter cap. It began to burn, filling the room with more acrid smoke." 

With a smile on my face, and a bottle in my hand, you'll find me in the chimney in the morning!

"She hurried forward, frantically dug it from the hungry flames, opened it... smiled."
 
Her eyes throbbed with intensity as she counted the singed bills within.

 "Time to haul his dead ass out of the flue before the boy woke."

Note to all wanna be writers out there. If the best you can come up with is a story about a dude getting stuck in a chimney on Christmas. Please, do us all a favor, and ask Santa for a lobotomy.
 

 

Cooking with Tomo Lesson 1

Lesson one will be how to properly season. If you are the type of douche rocket who puts Heniz 57 on a USDA prime filet mignon, this is the Tomoview for you.

For this lesson I have chosen the prose of Chef Nickolas Cook. Chef Cook is probably most infamous as the guy who jumped on the caboose of the zombie mashup train, with his skullfucking of the timeless classic Alice In Wonderland. In his spare time, he also encourages a bunch of idiots who can't write on the Shocklines writers forum, and he has a horror blog called Smell The Black Glove or something stupid like that.

This Tomoview is going to be slightly different. Instead of the usual line by line trashing, I'm just going to pick the best examples of horrible description, over seasoning, from some random stories from Chef Cook's collection Round Midnight.


http://www.amazon.com/Round-Midnight-Other-Stories-Souls/dp/1615721827/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1300977927&sr=8-2

"as Benny walked in the daylight imperfect lounge "

I put daylight imperfect right up with double rainbow, in the "WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?" category.

"the last half dozen years sitting between them for a few uncomfortable seconds like a grinning gargoyle upon the church of their friendship."

Like a smiling greeter upon the Walmart of fiction.

"liquor murky eyes, and leaned forward, his breath wafting drunken effusions"

Some of my dearest friends are drunks, and I have never seen any of them have liquor murky eyes. I'm  not even going to touch the wafting breath effusions.

"must have felt his friend's silent refusal to entangle himself in the intangible"

I wish I would listen to the little voice that tells me not to entangle myself with the illiterate.

"Lenny Brown could smell the cop's sweat, a stinking whiff of rage."

How exactly does one sweat rage?

"A numb tongue roved like a pale snail over fevered lips and his mouth was so dry it felt like the ass-end of a firecracker."

ummm uhhh ummmm uhhhh well I well.... I got nothing

"A slip of shadows in the far corner of the room shifted, as if a mammoth had moved"

SHADOWY NINJA MAMMOTH!!

"The dim yellow light above was throbbing down on him like a jaundiced judge."

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! HOW DOES A DIM LIGHT THROB?? I wish I could take you in front of Judge Wapner and sue you for crimes against literature!

"his fat belly moving ahead of him like a fleshy advance army"

What in the blue fuck is an advance army?

"Huizar turned his baleful glare from Jesus in time to see his horse stride into a steaming pile of fresh coyote droppings."

It would have been cooler if it was a pile of possessed coyote droppings.

"His sneer of derision was forced at best, and sat on his mouth like a lizard's dead skin."

I fucking hate when I have to force a sneer of derision.

"eyes bulging in irritation"

Can someone please tell me why people write shit like this? Has anyone ever had their eyes FUCKING bulge with any type of feeling?

"Juan snapped his horse to a halt and near fell from the saddle in his haste to vomit. Carlito turned away with a nauseous curse, staggered his bay into Jesus’ steed. The horses momentarily tangled, whinnied in panic, adding their high-pitched violence to the gut-wrenching scene. Hesitantly, Huizar followed Roberto as he dismounted and made his way to kneel at the abattoir ground."

DOUCHE CHILL!







"Several weeks ago he decided instead to begin looking in places that she hadn't been normally drawn to when she'd been with him before. But, in truth, if he were to search himself deep down, he would have to admit he had changed his way of looking for her simply because he ran out of hope."

Tomo questions if making you all laugh is really worth it.

I knew I shouldn't have put #4 up as a choice.

Choice #4 is from the story Come And Gone from the collection Blanket Of White by Amy Grech. I haven't had this little fun reading a short story collection since Love Street And Other Bleedings by Paul Dracon. This thing is such a steaming pile of crap, I'm not even going to provide a link. 

"Chris stepped out of the shower and savored the sumptuous sensation of plump water droplets careening down the length of his slender physique before toweling off."

Tomo sat silently staring at his screen, wishing this shitty sentece had more words that start with S.

"He used a damp towel to wipe it clean for a clear view of his impressive erection."

My, that is one swell boner. If I do say so myself.

"Chris wrapped his hand around his throbbing member and carressed himself until he released the warm, white white wish within."

Why does this sentence make me picture Elmer Fudd firing off a batch of knuckle children?

So it seems Chris's erections weren't all that impressive, because his girlfriend Amanada dumps him for finishing too quickly. It seems Amanda has found a new man that can go all night long. Of course this makes Chris feel inadequate, and in the most classic example of looking for love in all the wrong places I have ever seen. Chris contemplates fucking a hair dryer.

"His most recent endeavor involved and ordinary hair dryer, which he switched on the warm setting, opting to skip the highest temperature -- for fear it would cause serious damage -- and placed its nozzle strategically in front of his throbbing member with one hand while he stroked his shaft with the other. The constant rush of warm air coupled with whirring sound it made wasn't gratifying enough to bring him to orgasm, and his dick started to itch from the heat."


I have done some funky shit in my day, but I have never said to myself, self, I think I should blow dry my dick. I was going to consult and expert I know on the phenomenon known as "Carpet Dick" and ask if they had ever used a blow dryer for their manscaping, but I found some nice wet paint, and decided to watch that dry instead.


I really don't see why Amanada wanted to leave Chris. Well unless she didn't enjoy the chocolate and cumsies milshakes they used to whip up and smear all over each other.

Now we are going to play everyone's favorite game. What In The Blue Fuck Does This Sentence Mean???

so Chris grabs a steak knife, and we get this gem.

"Its surface was still slick with Amanda's blood from when he found a bottle of her clear nail polish in the back of the medicine cabinet and decided it should be preserved to honor her memory."

I'm going out on a limb, and guessing this is supposed to imply that Chris killed Amanda, and then used nail polish to preserve her blood on the knife. This MIGHT work if the "author" had left the whole paragraph about their final night together that ends with these lines.


"Amanda got up and left."
"Chris watched her go without saying a word."

For those curious how this stinker ends. Chris stabs his finger, sucks the blood for the cut, and fires off his warm white wish within thinking of Amanda.

Help me pick my next victim.

I have a few excellent candidates on deck, but I can't decide which one to Tomoview next. So, I'm going to let you decide. I will post a line from each of the four books, post a comment with the number of the one you most want to see Tomoviewed.

1. "Though winter's gone, but it's still cold as teats on a celibate outside." 

2.  "I had always longed for the aloof arrogance that seemed to come so naturally to most vampires. Where the hearts of others of my kind seemed to turn to stone as the centuries passed, mine only became tender, my antipathy for all that was vicious and cruel about the world nearly crushing my spirit." 

3. "Six years felt like an eternity as Benny walked in the daylight imperfect lounge to see Sanchez looking like and old, worn out dishrag of the man he used to know. This was a Sanchez that had seen too many years of disappointment, too little money, and to many sit-in-the-dark-alone drinks. This was a man who had mulled over the unkind years of disappointment like bitter dregs of the heady drink he'd once known."


4. "His most recent endeavor involved and ordinary hair dryer, which he switched on the warm setting, opting to skip the highest temperature -- for fear it would cause serious damage -- and placed its nozzle strategically in front of his throbbing member with one hand while he stroked his shaft with the other. The constant rush of warm air coupled with whirring sound it made wasn't gratifying enough to bring him to orgasm, and his dick started to itch from the heat."

My birthday present to you.

Here are a couple of fun videos from 2007.
The first one is page one of Deathbreed.

Next we have a live reading of the famous shit scene. 

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 3

There is just too much awful in this book for me to read it all, so for the rest of this Tomoview, I will just be picking the funniest chapter names, and sharing this with you. I hope you fucksocks appreciate what I do for you.

Chapter 7

Take A Deep Brain Breath

TOUCH A DARK WOLF!! TOUCH IT!!

Bella threw all her dirties on her bed.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Shit happened. Even to BMWs.

That's some deep shit, right there. I am shocked by the profoundness of that statement.

He called me a 'fucktard' about getting the address wrong.

I always thought the term was fucktart.

"Chill, Bells. Take a brain breath."

You can just write your own airhead joke for this one.

"Spare some softener?" ask the biker.

We may have found the second line actually written by Snooki.

Even tough guys like Downy.

I prefer Snuggle. That little bear is fucking adorable. 

here he was rhapsodizing about philosophy.

I wonder how many wars have been fought over fabric softener preference.

"I wish I had a fabric softener for my life."

I'm thinking maybe a shot of bleach would be a better choice.

So he'd noticed Bella's boobs after all.

WOOOHOOO! For a moment there I was a little worried!

Despite being 21, Bella had never done her own laundry.

*facepalm*


I think I need to go take a long brain shit before I can read any more. Of course right after I say that, I see the title of chapter 13

PENISES LOOK BIGGER UNDERWATER!!!

It'd been a long week of car explosions, restaurant fires, a firecracker Dumpster blaze.

Not to mention the Canadian guy. They had to use the jaws of life to pry him and that moose apart.   



Very hungry. Frankie's stomach growled.

The writing is just so vivid.

"Another shark sighting today on the Jersey Shore,"

Oh fucking hell. I skipped the chapter where Gia rescued a beached fucking sand shark, and now they are calling her the Shark Whisperer. Maybe I can get Meteornotes to review that chapter.

I'm not going to type all the painful dialogue for this part. So, Gia, gets on the news after rescuing the shark. They ask here if she knew how big the shark was, and she tells a skinny dipping story. This is where the Penises being bigger underwater comes from.

His dick sprang to life in his jeans.

and starting singing show tunes.

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 3

Curious, I got up--pants around my ankles

Okay, who replaced my copy of Deathbreed with Ron Dickie's teenage diary???

Or chasing the customer down the street with his N word beater.

Did I mention the main characters in this book are rascist scumbags?

I barely made it back to the bathroom in time before a hot fudge Hiroshima fell out of my ass.

Look, I love a good poop joke as much or maybe more than anyone, but that's just fucking uncalled for.

After a few more moments of cramping, cursing, and wishing I was dead, the attack seemed to be over.

That pretty much sums up how I feel during every Tomoview.

Now came the tricky part--wiping my crack clean.

Might I suggest using a shotgun. Wait, that would be better for brushing your teeth.

It was like cleaning peanut butter out of shag carpet.

I want you all to just take a moment and let that image sink in nice and deep, because you are never getting it out of your head. You're welcome!

I had more shit crumbs decorating my ass than trophies at a hunting lodge.

I do like the expression "SHIT CRUMBS!" I think it could catch on.

The toilet seat was covered with poop splatters and broken off dingleberries.

Really? No seriously, BROKEN OFF DINGLEBERRIES! That taint funny.

I grabbed another wad of tissue and swept it clean for the next guy.

Hmmmm, maybe this character isn't all bad. I mean a courtesy flush will cleanse a lot of sins.

Maybe I had shit out the best parts of myself years ago. Maybe I had shit out my soul...

Soul Shitter would be a fucking epic name for a metal band.

FLUSH!!!!

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 2 or #2

"Oh, my ass!" I cried, curling my hands into fists and pounding futilely at my thighs, at the walls, at anything to make the pain go away. The pain in my fists paled in comparison to what was coming out of my cornhole, but it helped divert my attention, if only a little.

With that, I welcome you to my Tomoview of what is quite possibly, the two worst pages in the history of the written word.

I give you THE SHIT SCENE by The Visionary Overlord.

I gagged on the stench of my aborted anal love children and hit the air freshener nozzle -- hard.

Aborted Anal Love Children would be a great band name, or a great name for Dead Kennedys B side collection.

I was dying inside.

I know the feeling.

Deep-fried anal calamari

Shithead, everybody knows if you want the full flavor experience from anal calamari, you sautee it, not deep fry.


I was a prisoner of my own ass.

I'm caught in crap /  I can't walk out / Because I shit too much baby.

like Louis Armstrong was using my asshole for a trumpet.

Feel free to make up your own joke for that line. I'm not going to even honor that with a joke.

I felt a moment's relief, but knew it was a lie..  That wasn't the way my shit worked. It was trying to trick me so I would shit my pants later.

Forget shitting your pants, I want to trick The Visionary Overlord in to marinating the third rail.

a fight to the death between body, bowels, and brain

This would have been the fucking perfect blurb for this book.

There were literally times when I wanted to die on the toilet, to get this shit over with -- permanently.

Hey, it worked for the King. So I guess it should work for THE VISIONARY OVERLORD!!!
My own body lived to betray me -- first by sprouting caveman like hair and boils up and down my back, then by turning my ass inside out on a nearly-daily basis.

Could be worse, your body could have given you carpet dick.

and couldn't go anywhere if there was even a hint of a "brown-out" brewing in my backdoor.

I so want to open up my own brewery. I will call it Backdoor Brewing, and my signature beer will be Brown-Out Stout. I'm betting I can retire off just the money I will make from shipments to Canada.


This ends page one of THE SHIT SCENE.  Joing us tomorrow, for part two THE WIPING!

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 2

Chapter Two - Make Me Beg



Bella had a fantasy of herself as a kick-ass dominatrix trainer, humiliating her clients into the workout of their lives.

I wish that was the actual plot for the "book". 

Bender didn't try anything when he tucked her in, which Bella found endearing and insulting.

I can understand why Bella would be insulted. I mean, being told you aren't good enough to be date-raped can be devastating.

Unlike Gia, who would fuck on a dare, Bella moved more slowly.


This Gia reminds me of someone...

that would have made Eli Manning sob.

I don't think it's really that hard to make Sheli Manning sob.


She'd be like a kid in a pickle store.

EWWWW!!!!!

And by the way, selling fried clams for a horny sleazebag sounds kind of fun,

Well it definitely sounds more fun than reading this fucking drivel.

I don't need luck, I've got skills!

I'VE GOT THE VOCATIONAL SKILLS!!! Fuck! I already used that joke, didn't I?

Chapter Three - Hurricane Gia

"And great boobs!" she added.

-
If she weren't an optimist, she might feel a little discouraged.

There is a fine line between optimist and idiot. It's almost as fine as the line between whore and slut.

Go ahead, call me a fat whore, she though, but for God's sake don't litter!

You know that old commercial with the old Indian shedding a single tear? That's how I look right now.

At the sound of a flushing toilet, Gia called out, "Hello? I'm here!"

At The Sound Of A Flushing Toilet is a little long, but I still think it would be a great album title.

Tanning is my second-favorite thing to do with my clothes off.

If you're curious, frying bacon is my second-favorite thing to do with my clothes off.

Gia did a victory lap dance on the arm of the sofa.

That's sofa king hot! Repeat after me: Gia is sofa king we todd ed!

Gia stopped humping the sofa.
QUITTER!!!

A single boy who she'd already seen naked wanted her at his party.

Honestly ladies, can you ask for anything more?

A few things that don't suck.

To make up for the evil  I have done, by unleashing both Snooki, and The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror, on you this week. I thought I would do a quick post, and share few things that don't suck.


First off - The winner of the  Tomoview Lifetime Achievement Award For Mullet Fiction.

Now available for just 99 cents!!!
Business Up Front, Party In The Back - Kindle
Business Up Front, Party In The Back - Nook 

Keeping with the mullet theme, one of my most anticipated books of 2011 was officially announced this week. 

The Damned Highway by Brian Keene and Nick Mamatas.

I love drugs and tentacles, and I can't wait to get my hands on this.

Well we did mullets, monsters, and mind altering substances, so now for something completely different.



Princess Alethea’s Fairy Tale Theatre

A new weekly podcast, from the beautiful and talented Princess Alethea Kontis.


 

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 1

WARNING!

The book I am about to Tomoview is extremely offensive. It's filled with hate, anger, misogyny, and a side order of irritable bowel syndrome. Read at your own risk!



"Sherman, set the wayback machine to..."

As promised, today I will start the Tomoview Flashback Series. This is where I will go back and revisit some classic books that I previously Tomoviewed. What better place to start than with Deathbreed, by Todd "The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror" Tjersland.

Oh, if you are stupid enough to be curious what Deathbreed is about, just think about the current zombie mashup craze, but instead of Pride and Prejudice, someone decided to throw zombies into The Turner Diaries. To give you a clue just how awesome this book is, all these quotes are from the first page.

http://zombienovel.com/


"These fucking no-good retards, I thought."

Well I don't know about the rest of you, but that first line has me hooked! I can't wait to see what happens next!!

"You gotta be shitting me!"

I wouldn't shit you, Todd. You are my favorite turd!


"I was, of course, referring to the 300 pound tub of lard in the corner."


Thanks for clarifying!!


":the she-beast with the the slack jaw, thickset lips, and beady eyes scratching lottery tickets over the ice cream case".

No really, thanks for clarifying!!!

"We called her Hideous Kinky, Fat Momma Stink-Tits, or more often than not, simply the Retard Lady."

This line would normally make me weep for humanity, but if I'm going to keep my promise to weep not for the vampire, I must also refrain from weeping for humanity.

"Why build these shitheads up when reality was setup to knock'em down?"

You shut your whore mouth! The Stokers are a topic for another blog.

I think I'll just skip the section about this lady coming in everyday to spend her disabilty check on lottery tickets and junkfood. I guess it could start a discussion about how people deal with their lot in life. Do they just sit around and bitch, and slog through the same old shit routine everyday, or do they rise above and try to make more out of their life. But I'm neither drunk or stoned, so that's not going to happen, and this is not a novel about social issues. It's just an excuse for some asshat who got jipped in the penis department by whatever higher power is in charge of handing out peckers, toinsult and belittle anyone and everyone he can.

"It got to the point that I dreaded seeing her, like some bitch I'd knocked up and couldn't get rid of!"


Does Hallmark have a line of Valentines Day cards for bitches you knocked up but couldn't get rid of? If they don't, they need to unfuck that asap!


Did I mention all these quotes are from the first page?

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 1

A SHORE THING a "novel" By Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Chapter One

This is the first clue that this novel was ghost written. There is no fucking way in hell Snooki would or could number chapters.

Karma's A Bitch, Bitch

O M G! This is going to fucking hurt.

Life was hard. But a pouf? That should be easy.

As easy as a do-it-yourself home circumcision. Which is funny, because a do it yourself home circumcision is number 6 on the list of ten things I would rather do than read this book.

Giovanni "Gia" Spumanti was a hair-raising pro.

I am tingling with anticipation.

She's been banging out poufs since age eleven, or as soon as her fingers were long enough to hold a bottle of Deluxe Aqua Net.


mmmm product placement

Although she'd loved to wear an actual crown or a rhinestone tiara whenever she left the house, it just wasn't practical.

I'm thinking maybe one of those invisible fence shock collars would be more fun and practical.

Tonight, humidity was a bitch.

Wait, I thought karma was a bitch??? I'm so fucking confused.


Gia brushed it out to start over--again-- feeling discouraged.

*bangs head on desk until I have a sexy scar--to match Ron Dickie's. Who is always a bitch.

and she'd be searching among them for her near future fling(s).

Ohhhh! No one told me this was a time travel story.

But her bump fell to one side like a deflated tire.

The writing is so vivid. As a man with pretty hair, I can totally feel Gia's pain.

"Waa!" she whined at her reflection, but just for a second.

Well, the first line of dialogue was fucking riveting.

From the outside, the two-story, two-bedroom bungalow looked like an aging Atlantic City hooker. For a month, this hooker would be home.

I would so read a book about something having to live for a month inside an aging Atlantic City hooker.

She dubbed it the official Make Out Zone.

I don't know much about zoning laws, but I don't think that's legal.

She could already picture herself and a yummy juicehead rolling around on top of it.

What in the blue fuck is a yummy juicehead?

Her cousin Isabella "Bella," "Bells," and "Hell's Bells" Rizzoli

Holy Multiple Nickname Disorder, Batman!

"What the hell?" she said, clearly annoyed.

Thanks for clarifying!

Gia said, "The club will not run out of tequila before I get my hair right. So shut the fuck up."

I'm gonna go out on a limb and bet the tequila was served in a tall glass of shut the fuck up!

"I can practically see what you had for lunch," said Gia.

That's so hot!

Bella was a nine. Gia was maybe a seven ... point nine.

. fuck . you .

On her petite frame, one extra pound made her muffin top. Two pounds? It was a dough explosion.

Top Of The Muffin To You!

Wow! Gia's longest relationship lasted only fours hours. I hope Ice Bat is almost done with his guide to internet dating. Gia needs you Ice Bat. You are her only hope.

Bobby the land mine blew up all over the place.

Bobby
Hobby
Lobby

"Excuse me. I don't mean to impose, but I am the Ocean. "

"I got the vocational skills!"

Sorry, got sidetracked for a minute

She preferred her men big, ripped. tan, and gorilla.

I'm a little sad that entering "Big Ripped Tan Gorilla" did not provide the traumatic images I expected.

Dancing had to be Gia's second favorite way to work up a sweat.

Dancing is Snooki's fourth favorite way to work up a sweat. First is remembering to breath, second is spelling, and third is basic arithmetic.

Tonight was all about the three D's: Drinking, Dancing, and Duh.


This might be the only line in the book actually penned by Snooki.

FULL-FRONTAL THONG EXPOSURE!

So many jokes, so little time. So since a picture is worth a 1000 words

LINE OF THE BOOK!

And I'm not a whore. I'm a slut. There's a difference.

I will leave you all to ponder the differences between whores and sluts, while I decide if I am brave/stupid enough to read chapter 2.

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo 3D

"The monster would have guessed how they would react and anticipated Powell's retribution."

So this Bigfoot is either one smart motherfucker or totally psychic. How in the Hades is a Bigfoot going to know how a bunched of armed jackasses are going to react?

The next time someone dies, we have to make sure it does too.

Well that's a pretty fatalistic view to take. I know war is Hades and all, but isn't possible that you might be able to kill Bigfoot without him killing another member of your group? This is why you never take Negative Ned along when you hunt Bigfoot.

Becca felt stupid.

I know how Becca feels.

She shoved her chair away from the desk and closed her laptop.

bitch must have some long fucking arms

I wish I still had the BULLSHIT FLAG smiley from the old board. So in the 20 years since our hero's family was killed by Bigfoot, no one else has seen or confirmed the monster's existence. No hunters have found it, no young couples bumping rump in the woods have been killed by it... you get the picture. So I don't know, maybe it ought to take the group out looking for Bigfoot a little more than 5 fucking minutes or so to be attacked. *facepalm*


Wow. So this little fuckstain of a town in the middle of nowhere issues fully automatic AR 15s to its police force. That's fuckawesome!! It's also fuckawesome that these Bigfeet can be sprayed with a stream of full auto fire and not even flinch!!!

So after using AR 15s and other high-powered rifles to blow bigfoot's fucking brains out, they all stand around and unload their sidearms into the fallen bigfoot's corpse. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL POINTLESS MUTILATION!!!


Were it not for the STINK thanks to the hot sun

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

and slammed the door after she got in

Thanks for clarifying that, asshat!

These things were more human-like

MAKE-IT-STOP! PlEASE-I-M-BEGGING! CAN'T-TAKE-ANYMORE!!!

Large sagging breasts hung underneath the fur of its chest.

I'm confused. Does it have large saggy fur covered breasts, or does it have large saggy breasts hanging underneath its fur?

child-like, beast-like

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF ALREADY WITH THE -LIKE SHIT! YOU'RE JUST FUCKING MAKING UP WORDS NOW!! GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER! CAN YOU USE IT? MAKE IT ALL ONE FUCKING WORD, CHILDLIKE OR BEASTLIKE... Why am I yelling? I so need a drink right now.

**SPOILER!**

Jeff, the hero of the story, gets ripped limb from limb on page 32 of 73.

I can't wait to see which of the underdeveloped remaining characters steps up to take the lead role. I'm betting on the brutish deputy that thinks he's not good enough for the waitress at the local diner!

YAY!

One of my favorite things to find in any book I'm reviewing is the incredible name-changing character! This shows the writer's attention to their craft, and the excellent skill of their editor!!

Travis sat on the bank, snapping pictures of them with his camera.

Donald laughed and tucked the camera into the pocket of his shorts.

DOH!!!

Oh please tell me you did not just the use the "Two Guys Checking the Power Station, Only to Find a Monster, and then Crash Their Truck Into the Power Station While Trying to Escape" gag.

as a scream left his mouth for the last time.

Do lots of scream migrate back to their mouth of origin? I picture a little triangle of screams way up in the sky returning home for winter.


I'm making the executive decision to just summarize the remaining story.

Everybody that we could even remotely care about dies. The only survivor is a deputy that is sent from a nearby town, but he's such a minor character that it doesn't even matter. The story just goes to shit once Jeff dies. For the record, no one even notices that he is dead. In an excellent epilogue, we find out the government covers the whole thing up and sends in a crack team to kill the remaining Bigfeets. I think you can guess what happens to them.

I give this book 34 heaping stinky piles of shit!!!

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo Part Deux

A quick note for note new readers.

Yes, I know I probably should have explained all this yesterday. So here's the short version. I read horrible books, so you don't have to. While reading these horrible books, I take a line or two, and then share the thoughts that ran through my twisted little head while reading.

Comments are greatly appreciated. I especially like it when people offer their own thoughts, jokes, or comments on the lines I pick.


Got it?

Good. Lets jump back in.

"His backside erupted with pain as he hit the floor."

Backside Eruption would be a great band name, or an awesome new menu item at Taco Bell.

"The hand withdrew itself"


I would like to withdrew myself from reading anymore of this book.

"with each fear-induced bound"

Fear-induced bounding is usually caused by consuming the previously mentioned Backside Eruption. I was going to make another potty joke here, but I need to save all my potty jokes for Deathbreed. ;)

"The beauty of the town and the woods around it was almost surreal by the standards of modern America."

I have to wonder what the current standard for the surreal in modern American are. Is there a webpage for the Modern American Society Of Surreal Standards?

"Fred half-shouted"

Ecactly how in the hell does one half-shout? I'm sorry, how in the Hades does one half-shout. Since how in the Hades is used several times in the book. Has anyone here ever actually heard someone say How In The Hades? Maybe one of the 34 people that gave this book a 5 star review on Amazon would like to chime in.

"Even on a Saturday night there simply wasn't that many real drinkers in Babble Creek that came here to do it."

Even with my impressive sense of humor, there simply wasn't a joke I could think of, that was funnier than that sentence.

"Becca radioed Powell as she drove along the winding road of Faulk's Cove to let him know where she was headed."

I just want to clarify something here for new readers. I AM NOT A WRITER, and I have no desire to be one. I'm just a smart-ass, who loves to read. I'm also dyslexic, and yes, grammar did  touch me when I was a child. So if you call yourself a writer, and I can tell that your sentence sucks donkey ass, I have only one word for you, KNITTING!


"The night was silent except for the blaring of the truck's horn."

The sentence was actually pretty good except for the words.


"The truck belonged to a Mr. Jack Daily."

uh huh uh Jack Daily. Get it? Jack Daily!!!!

"Once giving it a sweep. he found nothing useful in room"

Once giving it a sweep, I found nothing useful in this book.

Awww! How sweet. The big dumb deputy thinks he isn't good enough for the waitress at the diner. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also, I'm now on page 18 of 73, and still no warring bigfeet!!!! This makes me a sad little monkey.

It seems I spoke to soon, the Bigfootsies have finally made an appearance. So I think I will stop for the day,  but I leave you with this awesome, and original line, to hold you over until next time. 

"Tom's headless corpse came flying at them from the trees as if in response to the question."

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo

http://www.amazon.com/Bigfoot-War-Eric-S-Brown/dp/1926712498/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295982746&sr=8-1

Bigfoot War by Eric S. Brown

“The stink was terrible.”

Not the smell, not the stench, not even the fucking aroma, THE STINK!!!!

Or

Well now I guess we know what the S stands for.

Or

I haven’t smelled stink like that since the hotel room party for my 39^th birthday.

“as the younger boy knelt and poked with a stick at what looked to be a liver.”

You know, I’m usually in the camp that thinks any food is better when on a stick….

“Jeff grimaced.”

Grimace was always my favorite member of Ronald McDonald’s gang of loveable misfits. Fuck!! Now I want a McRib, ON A STICK!

“before this pointless mutilation.”

What in the blue fuck is pointless mutilation? Is that like unnecessary roughness? Also, what would be a classic example of pointed mutilation?

“Without him riding hard on his younger brother,”

Oh, so this book is set in West Virginia.

“as an animal-like roar shook the night.”

Well at least it wasn’t a building-like roar. Those are fucking terrifying.

“The loud thunderous impacts of the thing’s feet smashing into the ground at the end of each of its long strides shook the ground.”

Dear wannabe writers that may be reading this blog. If you have a sentence like this in your current WIP, please just give up now, and take up knitting, or some other hobby. I know you think sentences like this set the scene, or ramp up the tension. I’ve got news for you, they don’t. They just show that you don’t have a fucking clue about your craft.

“It was the last he ever heard of his father that night.”

I can’t even come up with a joke for this one. That sentence is wrong on so many levels, that I can’t even begin to mock it. So I challenge you the reader, to come up with your best response to that line.

Well fucksocks, that’s the end of the sample I downloaded.

What do you think? Do you want more?

That’s right, fucksocks. I’m back!

Early last year, I closed down the Tomoview message board, to take a much needed break, and deal with some personal issues. Those issues are pretty much behind me now, and I think it’s time back to get back to bringing teh lulz. Honestly, I just needed something else to make fun, besides Ron Dickie, and Brian Keene. So roughly once a month, I will be posting a new Tomoview. If you fucksocks recruit enough new people to read the blog, I might even go back and re-Tomoview some old classics. I’m thinking Deathbreed might be a fun one to revisit. ;-)

I’m not going to announce the first book yet, but I will give you a tease of the first line.

“THE STINK WAS TERRIBLE!”

Stay tuned,

Tomo