Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tomoview 2 Bigfoot Boogaloo


Bigfoot War by Eric S. Brown

“The stink was terrible.”

Not the smell, not the stench, not even the fucking aroma, THE STINK!!!!


Well now I guess we know what the S stands for.


I haven’t smelled stink like that since the hotel room party for my 39th birthday.

“as the younger boy knelt and poked with a stick at what looked to be a liver.”

You know, I’m usually in the camp that thinks any food is better when on a stick….

“Jeff grimaced.”

Grimace was always my favorite member of Ronald McDonald’s gang of loveable misfits. Fuck!! Now I want a McRib, ON A STICK!

“before this pointless mutilation.”

What in the blue fuck is pointless mutilation? Is that like unnecessary roughness? Also, what would be a classic example of pointed mutilation?

“Without him riding hard on his younger brother,”

Oh, so this book is set in West Virginia.

“as an animal-like roar shook the night.”

Well at least it wasn’t a building-like roar. Those are fucking terrifying.

“The loud thunderous impacts of the thing’s feet smashing into the ground at the end of each of its long strides shook the ground.”

Dear wannabe writers that may be reading this blog. If you have a sentence like this in your current WIP, please just give up now, and take up knitting, or some other hobby. I know you think sentences like this set the scene, or ramp up the tension. I’ve got news for you, they don’t. They just show that you don’t have a fucking clue about your craft.

“It was the last he ever heard of his father that night.”

I can’t even come up with a joke for this one. That sentence is wrong on so many levels, that I can’t even begin to mock it. So I challenge you the reader, to come up with your best response to that line.

Well fucksocks, that’s the end of the sample I downloaded.

What do you think? Do you want more?


  1. How did this get printed?

    Tomo, you have certainly not lost your touch.

  2. Pointed mutilation is being poked by a sharp stick. This book is more like being bludgeoned with a fucksock.

    Please, sir, may I have another?

  3. Ow. I laughed so hard, I think I hurt my spleen...or perhaps what looks like my liver...