I knew I shouldn't have put #4 up as a choice.
Choice #4 is from the story Come And Gone from the collection Blanket Of White by Amy Grech. I haven't had this little fun reading a short story collection since Love Street And Other Bleedings by Paul Dracon. This thing is such a steaming pile of crap, I'm not even going to provide a link.
"Chris stepped out of the shower and savored the sumptuous sensation of plump water droplets careening down the length of his slender physique before toweling off."
Tomo sat silently staring at his screen, wishing this shitty sentece had more words that start with S.
"He used a damp towel to wipe it clean for a clear view of his impressive erection."
My, that is one swell boner. If I do say so myself.
"Chris wrapped his hand around his throbbing member and carressed himself until he released the warm, white white wish within."
Why does this sentence make me picture Elmer Fudd firing off a batch of knuckle children?
So it seems Chris's erections weren't all that impressive, because his girlfriend Amanada dumps him for finishing too quickly. It seems Amanda has found a new man that can go all night long. Of course this makes Chris feel inadequate, and in the most classic example of looking for love in all the wrong places I have ever seen. Chris contemplates fucking a hair dryer.
"His most recent endeavor involved and ordinary hair dryer, which he switched on the warm setting, opting to skip the highest temperature -- for fear it would cause serious damage -- and placed its nozzle strategically in front of his throbbing member with one hand while he stroked his shaft with the other. The constant rush of warm air coupled with whirring sound it made wasn't gratifying enough to bring him to orgasm, and his dick started to itch from the heat."
I have done some funky shit in my day, but I have never said to myself, self, I think I should blow dry my dick. I was going to consult and expert I know on the phenomenon known as "Carpet Dick" and ask if they had ever used a blow dryer for their manscaping, but I found some nice wet paint, and decided to watch that dry instead.
I really don't see why Amanada wanted to leave Chris. Well unless she didn't enjoy the chocolate and cumsies milshakes they used to whip up and smear all over each other.
Now we are going to play everyone's favorite game. What In The Blue Fuck Does This Sentence Mean???
so Chris grabs a steak knife, and we get this gem.
"Its surface was still slick with Amanda's blood from when he found a bottle of her clear nail polish in the back of the medicine cabinet and decided it should be preserved to honor her memory."
I'm going out on a limb, and guessing this is supposed to imply that Chris killed Amanda, and then used nail polish to preserve her blood on the knife. This MIGHT work if the "author" had left the whole paragraph about their final night together that ends with these lines.
"Amanda got up and left."
"Chris watched her go without saying a word."
For those curious how this stinker ends. Chris stabs his finger, sucks the blood for the cut, and fires off his warm white wish within thinking of Amanda.