Thursday, March 24, 2011

Cooking with Tomo Lesson 1

Lesson one will be how to properly season. If you are the type of douche rocket who puts Heniz 57 on a USDA prime filet mignon, this is the Tomoview for you.

For this lesson I have chosen the prose of Chef Nickolas Cook. Chef Cook is probably most infamous as the guy who jumped on the caboose of the zombie mashup train, with his skullfucking of the timeless classic Alice In Wonderland. In his spare time, he also encourages a bunch of idiots who can't write on the Shocklines writers forum, and he has a horror blog called Smell The Black Glove or something stupid like that.

This Tomoview is going to be slightly different. Instead of the usual line by line trashing, I'm just going to pick the best examples of horrible description, over seasoning, from some random stories from Chef Cook's collection Round Midnight.

"as Benny walked in the daylight imperfect lounge "

I put daylight imperfect right up with double rainbow, in the "WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?" category.

"the last half dozen years sitting between them for a few uncomfortable seconds like a grinning gargoyle upon the church of their friendship."

Like a smiling greeter upon the Walmart of fiction.

"liquor murky eyes, and leaned forward, his breath wafting drunken effusions"

Some of my dearest friends are drunks, and I have never seen any of them have liquor murky eyes. I'm  not even going to touch the wafting breath effusions.

"must have felt his friend's silent refusal to entangle himself in the intangible"

I wish I would listen to the little voice that tells me not to entangle myself with the illiterate.

"Lenny Brown could smell the cop's sweat, a stinking whiff of rage.

How exactly does one sweat rage?

"A numb tongue roved like a pale snail over fevered lips and his mouth was so dry it felt like the ass-end of a firecracker."

ummm uhhh ummmm uhhhh well I well.... I got nothing

"A slip of shadows in the far corner of the room shifted, as if a mammoth had moved"


"The dim yellow light above was throbbing down on him like a jaundiced judge."

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! HOW DOES A DIM LIGHT THROB?? I wish I could take you in front of Judge Wapner and sue you for crimes against literature!

"his fat belly moving ahead of him like a fleshy advance army"

What in the blue fuck is an advance army?

"Huizar turned his baleful glare from Jesus in time to see his horse stride into a steaming pile of fresh coyote droppings."

It would have been cooler if it was a pile of possessed coyote droppings.

"His sneer of derision was forced at best, and sat on his mouth like a lizard's dead skin."

I fucking hate when I have to force a sneer of derision.

"eyes bulging in irritation"

Can someone please tell me why people write shit like this? Has anyone ever had their eyes FUCKING bulge with any type of feeling?

"Juan snapped his horse to a halt and near fell from the saddle in his haste to vomit. Carlito turned away with a nauseous curse, staggered his bay into Jesus’ steed. The horses momentarily tangled, whinnied in panic, adding their high-pitched violence to the gut-wrenching scene. Hesitantly, Huizar followed Roberto as he dismounted and made his way to kneel at the abattoir ground."


"Several weeks ago he decided instead to begin looking in places that she hadn't been normally drawn to when she'd been with him before. But, in truth, if he were to search himself deep down, he would have to admit he had changed his way of looking for her simply because he ran out of hope."

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