Thursday, February 3, 2011

Tomo takes a trip down memory lane. Part 1


The book I am about to Tomoview is extremely offensive. It's filled with hate, anger, misogyny, and a side order of irritable bowel syndrome. Read at your own risk!

"Sherman, set the wayback machine to..."

As promised, today I will start the Tomoview Flashback Series. This is where I will go back and revisit some classic books that I previously Tomoviewed. What better place to start than with Deathbreed, by Todd "The Visionary Overlord Of American Horror" Tjersland.

Oh, if you are stupid enough to be curious what Deathbreed is about, just think about the current zombie mashup craze, but instead of Pride and Prejudice, someone decided to throw zombies into The Turner Diaries. To give you a clue just how awesome this book is, all these quotes are from the first page.

"These fucking no-good retards, I thought."

Well I don't know about the rest of you, but that first line has me hooked! I can't wait to see what happens next!!

"You gotta be shitting me!"

I wouldn't shit you, Todd. You are my favorite turd!

"I was, of course, referring to the 300 pound tub of lard in the corner."

Thanks for clarifying!!

":the she-beast with the the slack jaw, thickset lips, and beady eyes scratching lottery tickets over the ice cream case".

No really, thanks for clarifying!!!

"We called her Hideous Kinky, Fat Momma Stink-Tits, or more often than not, simply the Retard Lady."

This line would normally make me weep for humanity, but if I'm going to keep my promise to weep not for the vampire, I must also refrain from weeping for humanity.

"Why build these shitheads up when reality was setup to knock'em down?"

You shut your whore mouth! The Stokers are a topic for another blog.

I think I'll just skip the section about this lady coming in everyday to spend her disabilty check on lottery tickets and junkfood. I guess it could start a discussion about how people deal with their lot in life. Do they just sit around and bitch, and slog through the same old shit routine everyday, or do they rise above and try to make more out of their life. But I'm neither drunk or stoned, so that's not going to happen, and this is not a novel about social issues. It's just an excuse for some asshat who got jipped in the penis department by whatever higher power is in charge of handing out peckers, toinsult and belittle anyone and everyone he can.

"It got to the point that I dreaded seeing her, like some bitch I'd knocked up and couldn't get rid of!"

Does Hallmark have a line of Valentines Day cards for bitches you knocked up but couldn't get rid of? If they don't, they need to unfuck that asap!

Did I mention all these quotes are from the first page?

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