Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tomo takes a trip to the shore. Part 1

A SHORE THING a "novel" By Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Chapter One

This is the first clue that this novel was ghost written. There is no fucking way in hell Snooki would or could number chapters.

Karma's A Bitch, Bitch

O M G! This is going to fucking hurt.

Life was hard. But a pouf? That should be easy.

As easy as a do-it-yourself home circumcision. Which is funny, because a do it yourself home circumcision is number 6 on the list of ten things I would rather do than read this book.

Giovanni "Gia" Spumanti was a hair-raising pro.

I am tingling with anticipation.

She's been banging out poufs since age eleven, or as soon as her fingers were long enough to hold a bottle of Deluxe Aqua Net.

mmmm product placement

Although she'd loved to wear an actual crown or a rhinestone tiara whenever she left the house, it just wasn't practical.

I'm thinking maybe one of those invisible fence shock collars would be more fun and practical.

Tonight, humidity was a bitch.

Wait, I thought karma was a bitch??? I'm so fucking confused.

Gia brushed it out to start over--again-- feeling discouraged.

*bangs head on desk until I have a sexy scar--to match Ron Dickie's. Who is always a bitch.

and she'd be searching among them for her near future fling(s).

Ohhhh! No one told me this was a time travel story.

But her bump fell to one side like a deflated tire.

The writing is so vivid. As a man with pretty hair, I can totally feel Gia's pain.

"Waa!" she whined at her reflection, but just for a second.

Well, the first line of dialogue was fucking riveting.

From the outside, the two-story, two-bedroom bungalow looked like an aging Atlantic City hooker. For a month, this hooker would be home.

I would so read a book about something having to live for a month inside an aging Atlantic City hooker.

She dubbed it the official Make Out Zone.

I don't know much about zoning laws, but I don't think that's legal.

She could already picture herself and a yummy juicehead rolling around on top of it.

What in the blue fuck is a yummy juicehead?

Her cousin Isabella "Bella," "Bells," and "Hell's Bells" Rizzoli

Holy Multiple Nickname Disorder, Batman!

"What the hell?" she said, clearly annoyed.

Thanks for clarifying!

Gia said, "The club will not run out of tequila before I get my hair right. So shut the fuck up."

I'm gonna go out on a limb and bet the tequila was served in a tall glass of shut the fuck up!

"I can practically see what you had for lunch," said Gia.

That's so hot!

Bella was a nine. Gia was maybe a seven ... point nine.

. fuck . you .

On her petite frame, one extra pound made her muffin top. Two pounds? It was a dough explosion.

Top Of The Muffin To You!

Wow! Gia's longest relationship lasted only fours hours. I hope Ice Bat is almost done with his guide to internet dating. Gia needs you Ice Bat. You are her only hope.

Bobby the land mine blew up all over the place.


"Excuse me. I don't mean to impose, but I am the Ocean. "

"I got the vocational skills!"

Sorry, got sidetracked for a minute

She preferred her men big, ripped. tan, and gorilla.

I'm a little sad that entering "Big Ripped Tan Gorilla" did not provide the traumatic images I expected.

Dancing had to be Gia's second favorite way to work up a sweat.

Dancing is Snooki's fourth favorite way to work up a sweat. First is remembering to breath, second is spelling, and third is basic arithmetic.

Tonight was all about the three D's: Drinking, Dancing, and Duh.

This might be the only line in the book actually penned by Snooki.


So many jokes, so little time. So since a picture is worth a 1000 words


And I'm not a whore. I'm a slut. There's a difference.

I will leave you all to ponder the differences between whores and sluts, while I decide if I am brave/stupid enough to read chapter 2.


  1. Well, I guess I should thank you for sparing me the indignity of reading that book myself. My morbid curiosity is satiated.

  2. That's why my motto is "I read them, so you don't have to."

  3. Tomo, thanks for the LULZ but it really does hurt.

  4. LMAO...this review should be featured in the 2nd printing!